knowing or not knowing,which is worse?

when i was a kid,i had a disease that always reminded me of such an excruciating pain. i grew up vowing to figure out what was wrong with me,back then.alhamdulillah,along my way in med school i eventually knew the answer. and,thats the key point why i took up medicine.(sebb tu ingt lepas ni keje kejap je la,pastu jd suri rumah..hehe.. tapi,kalo ingt psl umat.. macam kene jd pakar pulak.. :P)

frankly,i thought, that would be the last time i'm puzzling about myself.unfortunately, i was wrong. just recently,i developed few worrying symptoms which i myself cant figure it out.. i browsed thru my books from internal medicine,gynaecology,topography anatomy and clinical medicine..but my efforts went down the drain. coaxing myself that perhaps this is just a temporary condition that will pass by time,i tried to ignore them by making myself as busy as possible and use the limited time i have, beneficially....

well,as much as i want something good to happen,Allah knows whats best for me.yesterday,when i was just facebooking,another symptom was revealed and that leads me back to square one. is this something that i should worry about? and as much as i know about the possible painful procedures, its making me more hesitant to see the doctor. in fact,i'd rather be ignorant than knowing about the heart breaking truth.(kadang tu,kalo tahu bende tu akan menyedihkan..lebih baik tak nak tau.. rase da tak sanggup nak bersedih hati lagi.. :) )

yes,i know i am living in denial. but, you see.. if i know that i'm having some grave disease that needs to be operated or perhaps any disease that requires high doses of drugs with abundant side effects,what will happen to my studies?i cant bear paying back to my sponsor neither can i take the exam the following year.. with just 5 months away from graduating(insyaAllah), i opted to wait till august....at least by then,i'm already in malaysia with my family support..after all,time flies so quickly, right?


[....“Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui.”2:216]

p/s: tolong doakan saye ye.. ^_^..semoge Allah memberi yang terbaik dunia akhirat buat kite semue dan dipermudahkan sakaratul maut. amin. :)