~~ i just wanna redo everything

after all, my depression wasnt really over i guess..i'm not sure is it the real feelings or just the hormones talking.. but, i cant always blame my hormones..

or maybe i'm missing my family so darn much that anything here seems so wrong..this morning i dreamt about my family..i was at home with my sibs..khodijah,luqman,zainab,abdul rahman,sumaiyyah,safiyyah, and muaz..we were so happy..sharing the laughters, exchanging stories and having a superb priceless time together...then suddenly i woke up..i saw my black fan stood straight in front of me..then only i realised i was just dreaming......devastated, i shed few tears without no one knowing..my room is deserted with me all alone whereas my besties from other house, there were all back home to malaysia..its making me confined in boredom and lonesome....to make things worse,only few hours before, the other half of me dropped the bombshell...i dont think its appropriate to write it here what's the big thing, but the truth was really hard to swallow..and, honestly,my heart shatters to millions pieces only Allah knows how i felt...it would take ages to mend my fragile heart and it would never be the same again.. :-(

deep inside, i somehow wish i could turn back time...but i'm just a human..

~~ its so hurtful inside i cant think..

i'm lost with my words..i have so much to write..so much to tell.. but it just got stuck inside me..help me..please.. i really need to pour it down as i dont have anyone to confide in right now....as for that, i really have to write...to just say anything that have been bottled up in me..but, i just cant...i've been trying since forever but i'm failing...its just so heavy inside..i just want to unleashe the emotions in me..why it is so hard? :-(

~~ rising up.

the gloomy moments of my yesterday, it's over..i'm ok now..yippeee!! ;-)i thought, maybe that was just a natural circadian rhythm of my body..to reach the bottom once, and just rise up again..(well, actually this is from the book," men are from mars, woman are from venus") after all, it was hardly a day,and after lots of tears pouring out of me added to it some cry baby whining (which i must say wasnt so nice for people to hear but unfortunately i'm doing it again and again.. hehehe), i'm starting fresh today..rejuvenated and optimistically, i walked my way to the hospital for therapy class, eventhough i'm not feeling very well(my cough is still present and its almost a month!) with the sore throat that is partially healed..the chilling morning breeze made me regretted of not grabbing the gloves that i've place exactly on top of my bed(so that, i'll not forget)....despite that, i was still able to think and compose for this entry today..i feel like writing a whole lot of stuff,ideas keep on flowing in my mind i even thought of returning back home and grab my lappy!! :-) in contrary to that,as i returned home,my mind just got blocked..from what,i'm not sure..i couldnt write smoothly and always thinking about what should i write..so, it doesnt really sound like me..at first i'll type,..then read,then delete it..when eventually i was actually typing the exact same sentence like the first one.. :-( i've always second guessing myself in writing..but, that doesnt happened when i'm studying..almost rarely i doubted my ability to think and make everything sounds right..hehehhe..i love the feeling of understanding a concept..and memorising the drugs..and the mechanism..and the pathogenesis..and the clinical manifestation ..i simply love anything that's related in whats so ever way..that drives my passion in medicine.. needless to say,that's why i enjoyed my cycle of therapy and neurology and obs the most.. :-)

(feel like going to sauna or some body massage..but, nak wat camne..tadak duit lorr..that's the expensive way of refreshing and easing your tense body....but thats waayyy to extravagant for students like me..so, i'll stick to the crying method..huhuhuh..)

~~ i just want to run away...

i'm sick of all this..i'm sick of always being unappreciated..always being rejected..always being misunderstood..i just hate to confide in people when i needed to the most..i just hate when anyone can do everything without people b**ching about it but not me..i hate it when the one thing i love to do the most(getting into pictures) and people just dont let me..as if i'm going to cause any harm to them..i hate to lie to people when i was actually hiding my dissapointment towards them..i hate it when i cant express my anger and frustration to the right person, instead broke down to the one i love..i hate it when he's not listeing to me but yelling at me..i hate my insecurity isuues..i'm sick of everything..i just want to run away..away from here..far far away where no one knows me.... T-T

~~ persistently we do..

dieting...we've started our diet program for almost 2 weeks..well, not me exactly..but, i'm just supporting my other half..people around us cant help but wondering why are we fussing ourselves by restricting the joy of eating leisurely....they told us, we look fine with no excess belly YET!! huhuhuhu..it was simple actually..i just dont want our arteries to get clogged and increase our morbidity and mortality rate for the next 30 years...at least..it wasnt almost right to say, we are dieting because we felt too fat..but, as a matter of fact, i just want us to get used to the right way of eating..which means, less fatty foods and moderate amount of carbohydrate..
before starting this program which should be PERSISTENTLY AND PATIENTLY followed, i've surfed the internet to get the right information of dieting. just as a preventive measures of the yo-yo effect and any kidney and git problems(the main one), i tried to collect as much information of the ideal way to control our diet but at the same time, still indulge in tasteful splendid meals....i started on listing the calories of foods that we usually eat..then,if the calories is too high, i would substitute the high calorie food with a a bit lower one..then, i decrease the amount of oil for every serving to almost just a tea spoon..and, depend more on the natural oil that is present in the food, esp the chicken..so, basically, i've got the rough estimation and the list of meals that i have to prepare..owhh..and, i stressed on us having 3 times eating with a small amount of foods each serving....then, i started to implement my theories and my findings..
initially, the start was quite difficult for my other half..i, on the other hand was coping quite well because i tried this myself first before implementing it to him. and, besides, i prefer rich fibre food and bread rather than rice..that makes me more enjoying the program that i planned.. ;-) unfortunately, he wasnt enjoying the fact that i'm restricting the rice and the oily ayam masak merah from him..but, he has to do it..thats what he said..frankly speaking, its aching to see him eating the food that he never ever would enjoyed..but, that's all i can do...its the only way to help him out..after a few days, he's adapted a bit..and starting to accept the fact that i'll only give him rice for once a week and the rest of the week, he has to eat other carb such as bread and noodles. some people straight away eliminate the carbohydrate but i personally think that wasnt the right way..because, our body would response to the hypoglycemia by still searching for the other foods which end up us eating more calories than we should esp when we thought that nibbling doesnt cause any harm ( i mean to the amount of calories..)..anyways, we pursued on our plan accordingly accept for the fact that he insisted on eating only once a day! "noo wayyy...u cant do it...thats not the right way" i've never stopped saying that but, he still insisted on eating only once a day..its too dangerous for now, and for years to come..not only he may be malnourished due to the lack of nutrients, but that would also predispose to the formation of stones in the gallbladder..eventhough he's not at a risk owing to the fact that he's not a fat woman in the forties with fair complexion, but, still the fact that his inappropriate regime of diet may stimulate the development of stones!! ahhaaa...now i'm blabbering..but, that's the fact, and thats the only thing that worries me a lot..
now, we have at least 5 months and 2 weeks to accomplish this mission..and i'm grateful because he told me that he would continue to eat like this as long as we stick together..as for me, i'm happy to just go on but still trying to persuade him to take his breakfast and lunch! ;-P for him to sacrifice his fav foods and make this work really made me impressed..no matter what other people say, he still believe in me..

any ideas to help them?

Penyakit mental: Bomoh lebih dipercayai
K
UCHING 15 Dis. – Kepercayaan masyarakat kepada hantu, jin dan semangat jahat menyebabkan rawatan bomoh dan pawang lebih dipercayai oleh masyarakat untuk mengubat penyakit mental berbanding rawatan moden.

Ketua Jabatan Sosiologi dan Antropologi Universiti Malaysia Sarawak (Unimas), Dr. Ling How Kee berkata, rawatan moden di hospital kerajaan dan swasta menjadi pilihan terakhir untuk mengubat penyakit jiwa, gila dan gangguan perasaan.

‘‘Penyakit mental sering dikaitkan dengan perbuatan sihir, ilmu hitam oleh pihak-pihak tertentu atau rasuk oleh semangat jahat.

‘‘Ada yang menolak sama sekali kaitan faktor kesihatan dengan penyakit itu,” katanya ketika membentangkan kertas kerja bertajuk ‘Pelbagai Rawatan dan Bantuan Penyakit Mental’ pada Persidangan Kesihatan Mental, di sini, hari ini.

Persidangan tiga hari yang berakhir hari ini disertai oleh 300 peserta dari seluruh negara termasuk dari Indonesia dan Brunei.

How Kee berkata, kepercayaan itu yang masih tebal di kalangan masyarakat khususnya di negeri ini menyebabkan khidmat bomoh dalam masyarakat Melayu, manang (Iban), pimpuri (Bidayuh), abayoh (Melanau) dan tangki (Cina) masih dipegang kuat.



this is why its difficult to diagnose and treat the mentally ill people in malaysia..eventhough doctors have forked out a tremendous effort all along their way in med school and doing some researches,the superstitious believes blend in their lives so well, they just couldnt get rid of it.. malaysians just dont appreciate the doctors..and, i'm not sure whether is there any ways to make them believe in us... :-(

~~ no turning back..~~

i couldnt help myself but keep on thinking..after spending my 4 years here, i somehow felt like maybe it wasnt the best decision i've ever made in my life. vividly i remembered, i was one day late from accepting the offer to pursue my studies in russia. for 3 nights i prayed istikharah in the hope of making the right decision. my family said that, after performing the istikharah, i should feel it in my heart, and not totally from my dream. actually, that night i dreamt about russia. i'm not sure whether the dream in a way was influenced by what i've read in the news paper or by my mother's opinion, but, in that dream i was all alone in moscow in an abandoned haunted building with the bombings around me. ridiculously, even after this weird dream, i still opted for russia. silly me! i dont know what got to me actually..the fact that i dont have any confidence in me to wait for the spm results or was it because i may graduate the same year as my sister. i wasnt sure back then.. after all, when the spm result was released, my results enabled me to go somewhere else but, i just accepted the offer to russia..so, there's no turning back..i couldnt leave this program because i wasnt sure whether i could secure other places...or not.. again, back to my insecurity issues..to cut it short, i just go for it... and now, it has been 4 years..frankly speaking, i've never felt proud being here..oppss...that shows how ungrateful i am..but, basically, how can i be proud? people have been insulting us from day one, be it the malaysians or the russians...if its in malaysia, the moment they knew we are studying in russia, just in a split of second they would rolled their eyes and asked us about the recognition state..as if, they've never read in the newspaper!! i know, there are some issues over here, but that doenst make us too bad to not to be respected. we came here from the scholarships from the government. so, think it yourself..since forever, i think i've been justifying the fact that its not all too bad here..doctors in malaysia have spoken that we from russia are not as competent as the doctors who graduated from other places...we are lacking of the clinical skills and cant even make the venepuncture..in addition to that, yesterday, i read an aquantaince blog stating how students from russian cant even make a proper diagnosis which is an essential skill for doctors...honestly, i totally disagree of the whole fact except the clinical skills..yup..here, we dont really get the chance to make the accurate and precise clinical examination..maybe, that's only of our university..but, i heard that the students from other universities are doing well..so, that makes a big no-no for the lack of clinical skills right? and..about making the right diagnosis,i'm sorry kid, but you absolutely know nothing about other universities. our university(not promoting, but just to state that there's at least one) and i believe other universities in russia, also they really teach us how to make the diagnosis..step by step..yes..we are spoonfed, but, it makes us know our stuff..and make things right..i'm grateful to be here...so, why am i regretting of my choice?...its not about the studies..or the weather..or the money..its more about myself..my personality..and my life....i'm not the same maryam that my friends back in malaysia know me..i've changed to almost 180 degrees..and, that makes me feel really unhappy about myself..because people see me so superficially and always see me as a good decent girl...if only i could turnover time, i should have be more strong and stick to my principles rather than change myself and go with the flow..i just hate myself for being so weak,so dependent, and so fragile..

~~ bersyukurnye aku di lahirkan sebagai seorang wanita....~~

SOURCE : Haji Dato Dr. Mohd Fadzilah Kamsah
——————————————————————————————
Hati dan Perasaan Wanita

Sensitif : Bukan bermaksud suka merajuk, tapi hanya ingin bermanja dan mendapatkan perhatian.

Cerewet : Bukan bermaksud FUSSY tak tentu hala, kadang ingin LELAKI mengikut kata-katanya sekali sekala.

Halus : Ibarat sehelai sutera, cantik, mulus, lembut dan mudahtercarik dan koyak. Walaupun seorang wanita memaafkan seseorang yang lain atas sebab sesalahan, biasanya WANITA akan ingat kesalahan tersebut untuk disimpan jadi pengajaran. Bukan DENDAM.

Ikhlas : Ikhlas seorang wanita tak perlu diragui.

Korban : WANITA sanggup berkorban apa saja untuk seseorang yangamat disayangi, termasuk ibu bapa, anak-anak dan suami. WANITA amat tabah.

Prihatin : Sentiasa memerhatikan keadaan sekeliling dalam diam.

Manja : Walaupun dia adalah seorang WANITA yang pandai berdikari,naluri seorang WANITA masih lagi tetap seorang WANITA. Suka bermanja bukan hanya kepada insan yang bernama LELAKI , namun juga sesama kaum.

Ego : WANITA yang terlalu sayangkan kekasihnya sanggup menolak ketepi EGOnya apabila bersemuka dengan yang dicintai.



Cinta : CINTA pertama bagi wanita adalah yang paling dalam dantulus.



Seks : SEKs bukanlah segala-galanya buat WANITA kerana WANITAdiciptakan dengan 9 nafsu dan satu akal. NAFSU yang banyak dan tidak tertumpu kepada satu saja. LELAKI pula dijadikan dengan 9 akal dan satu nafsu. Fungsi lelaki adalah membimbing WANITA dan bukan menghanyutkannya.
*********************************


Peranan LELAKI dalam kehidupan WANITA adalah sebagai pelindung dan bukan sebagai pemusnah. WANITA diciptakan oleh ALLAH swt dari tulang rusuk kiri dan untuk dipeluk dan dimanja, bukan untuk dikasari. Maka lelaki haruslah memahami HATI dan PERASAAN WANITA







1. Doa perempuan lebih makbul daripada lelaki kerana sifat penyayangnya yang lebih kuat daripada lelaki. Ketika ditanya kepada Rasulullah s. a. w. akan hal tersebut, jawab Baginda s. a. w., "Ibu lebih penyayang daripada bapa dan doa orang yang penyayang tidak akan sia-sia".

2. Apabila seseorang perempuan mengandung janin dalam rahimnya, maka beristighfarlah para malaikat untuknya. Allah s. w. t. mencatatkan baginya setiap hari dengan 1,000 kebajikan dan menghapuskan darinya 1,000 kejahatan.

3. Apabila seseorang perempuan mulai sakit hendak bersalin, maka Allah s. w. t. mencatatkan baginya pahala orang yang berjihad pada jalan Allah s. w. t.

4. Apabila seseorang perempuan melahirkan anak, keluarlah dia dari dosa-dosa seperti keadaan ibunya melahirkannya.

5. Apabila telah lahir anak lalu disusui, maka bagi ibu itu setiap satu tegukan daripada susunya diberi satu kebajikan.

6. Apabila semalaman ibu tidak tidur dan memelihara anaknya yang sakit, maka Allah s. w. t. memberinya pahala seperti memerdekakan 70 hamba dengan ikhlas untuk membela agama Allah s. w. t.

7. Barangsiapa yang menggembirakan anak perempuannya, darjatnya seumpama orang yang sentiasa menangis kerana takutkan Allah s. w. t. dan orang yang takutkan Allah s. w. t., akan diharamkan api neraka ke atas tubuhnya.

8. Barangsiapa membawa hadiah, (barang makanan dari pasar ke rumah lalu diberikan kepada keluarganya, maka pahalanya seperti bersedekah). Hendaklah mendahulukan anak perempuan daripada anak lelaki. Maka barangsiapa yang menyukakan anak perempuan seolah-olah dia memerdekakan anak Nabi Ismail.

9. Tiap perempuan yang menolong suaminya dalam urusan agama, maka Allah s. w. t. memasukkan dia ke dalam syurga lebih dahulu daripada suaminya (10,000 tahun).

10. Perempuan apabila sembahyang lima waktu, puasa bulan Ramadhan, memelihara kehormatannya serta taat akan suaminya, masuklah dia dari pintu syurga mana sahaja yang dikehendaki.

11. Wanita yang solehah (baik) itu lebih baik daripada 1,000 lelaki yang soleh.

12. Aisyah berkata, "Aku bertanya kepada Rasulullah s. a. w, siapakah yang lebih besar haknya terhadap wanita? Jawab Rasulullah s. a. w., "Suaminya". "Siapa pula berhak terhadap lelaki?" Jawab Rasulullah s. a. w, "Ibunya".

13. Apabila memanggil akan engkau dua orang ibubapamu, maka jawablah panggilan ibumu dahulu.

14. Wanita yang taat akan suaminya, semua ikan-ikan di laut, burung di udara, malaikat di langit, matahari dan bulan semua beristighfar baginya selama mana dia taat kepada suaminya serta menjaga sembahyang dan puasanya.

15. Wanita yang taat berkhidmat kepada suaminya akan tertutup pintu-pintu neraka dan terbuka pintu-pintu syurga. Masuklah dari mana-mana pintu yang dia kehendaki dengan tidak dihisab.

16. Syurga itu di bawah tapak kaki ibu.

17. Wanita yang tinggal bersama anak-anaknya akan tinggal bersama aku (Nabi s. a. w) di dalam syurga.

18. Barangsiapa mempunyai tiga anak perempuan atau tiga saudara perempuan atau dua anak perempuan atau dua saudara perempuan lalu dia bersikap ihsan dalam pergaulan dengan mereka dan mendidik mereka dengan penuh rasa takwa serta bertanggungjawab, maka baginya syurga.

19. Daripada Aisyah r. a. "Barangsiapa yang diuji dengan sesuatu daripada anak-anak perempuan lalu dia berbuat baik kepada mereka, maka mereka akan menjadi penghalang baginya daripada api neraka."

4 Golongan lelaki ditarik wanita

Seseorang wanita itu apabila di yaumal alkhirat akan menarik empat golongan lelaki bersamanya ke dalam neraka? Na'uzubillah, artikel ini bukan untuk memperkecilkan wanita tetapi sebaliknya iaitu supaya kaum lelaki memainkan peranannya dengan hak & saksama serta berwaspada akan tanggung-jawab yang kita pikul!

PERTAMA - AYAHNYA
Apabila seseorang yngg bergelar ayah tidak memperdulikan anak-anak perempuannya di dunia. Dia tidak memberikan segala keperluan agama seperti mengajar solat, mengaji & sebagainya. Dia memperbiarkan anak-anak perempuannya tidak menutup aurat, tidak cukup kalau dengan hanya memberi kemewahan dunia sahaja maka dia akan ditarik oleh anaknya.

KEDUA - SUAMINYA
Apabila sang suami tidak memperdulikan tindak tanduk isterinya. Bergaul bebas di pejabat, memperhiaskan diri bukan untuk suami tapi untuk pandangan kaum lelaki yang bukan mahram. Apabila suami mendiam diri walaupun dia seorang alim seperti solat tidak tangguh, puasa tidak tinggal maka dia akan ditarik oleh isterinya.

KETIGA ABANG-ABANGNYA
Apabila ayahnya sudah tiada, tanggungjawab menjaga maruah wanita jatuh ke pundak abang-abangnya. Jikalau mereka hanya mementing keluarganya sahaja dan adik perempuannya dibiar melencong dari ajaran ISLAM tunggulah tarikan adiknya di akhirat kelak.

KEEMPAT - ANAK LELAKINYA
Apabila seorang anak tidak menasihati seorang ibu perihal kelakuan yang haram dari Islam, bila ibu membuat kemungkaran pengumpat, mengata & sebagainya maka anak itu akan disoal dan dipertangungjawabkan di akhirat kelak nantikan tarikan ibunya maka kita lihat bertapa hebatnya tarikan wanita bukan sahaja di dunia malah di akhirat pun tarikannya begitu hebat maka kaum lelaki yang bergelar ayah/suami/abang atau anak harus memainkan peranan mereka yang sebenar dan tidak silap.

Firman ALLAH SWT:-
"HAI ANAK ADAM PERIHARALAH DIRI KAMU SERTA AHLIMU DARI API NERAKA DI MANA BAHAN PEMBAKARNYA IALAH MANUSIA, JIN DAN BATU-BATU..."

~~ sorry seems to be the hardest word..~~

its the sequence of the entry below...

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word


it has been 9 days..i just dont know what to do..if i'm not making any attempts again..i think, we will not be talking until forever..i seriously believe that..

hmm...well, this is the particular issue that i hadnt resolved yet.. :-(

i'm really awkward with saying sorry..and, i just dont know what to do if the other party just shut me down without even giving me the chance to explain and settle this things. its obviously just a misunderstanding...

but, if you are reading this, i openly apologize to you of what i've done..that's all i could say..

~~ forgive and forget~~

i've been trying to write something for the past few days..but, the ideas and the sentences just doesnt come out so smoothly..so, i ended up..typing..and deleting..and typing again.... for countless of times..there's a lot happened actually for the past few days..mostly made me satisfied and contented..but, also, still there are some unresolved matter which i still had not any clue how to solve it...

if you've read about my post "musuh dalam selimut..so it seems.." ,u'll know what actually happened last week..so, basically as anonymous this particular gemok wanted to be, eventually he confessed to us...coincidently, we already figured about him that evening, and shortly after that, he somehow felt like he should apologize to us.. the moment i knew he was the one, i wasnt mad at all.i was suprised myself!! maybe, i know that's how he says things, or maybe i'm more forgiving these days.. i think this owe to both...as i became more mature, i could feel that i'm becoming forgiving..i'll be angry and frustrated for a day or two the most, but eventually i'll give in..esp when they've apologized to me..and, after that the issue's resolved..and i'll try not to bring that up again..

i still remember my childhood..i was known by all how stubborn i was and how i was too unforgiving back then until even the tiny2 things that people do to me, vividly i remembered...my mum always said to me, there's no use of taking revenge to people..as time flies, i thought..actually, keeping the unforgiving feelings inside you will just make u bitter through out your life.. all you do, is resenting them and keep on saying.."what if..", which doesnt help in life..because there's no what ifs...what happens, happens..and all we can do is learn from the mistakes and cherish the precious moments..i somehow regret i didnt know this trick earlier..but, i'm grateful now...at least, i dont have to live in a resentful life for the coming years.... ;-)

so basically for you out there, you're forgiven already.. ;-)

~~ blabbing and wasting my time~~

it has been 4 days. i wasnt feeling quite ok. it started with a sore throat, then progressed to the productive cough, and now i'm having a running nose! fortunately, my temperature was normal, at least for now. tom, i'm having therapy. i havent studied the material yet as today, i've been lying on my bed almost 24/7 and having a mild headache. i couldnt concentrate, and end up sleeping and watching movies.i kind of regretted for wasting my precious time just like that. but, i just dont have the mood even to flip my books. owh, i forgot to mention! i'm having russian also for tom and we were given the task to write about a character from the story that we've read "slon". oowhh man!! i'm really stucked right now!

i guess i have to go now..by hook or by crook i have to finish it up..the lesson for today, i should have done my work early and not wasting my time. and, i should be grateful when i'm healthy, because, when we're sick there's a lot that we cant do. but the best thing is, we are actually given the time to muhasabah diri..taraaa!!

husbands..pay attention!!

huhuhu...husbands, please pay attention to this..

1.ultimately, u should know ur responsibility to ur wife and family..which one comes first.

2.after, u get married, please listen to ur mother first than ur wife..because ur mother is still your responsibility and it will always be..

3.dont hurt your mother's feelings as mothers tend to be more sensitive after u get married but at the same time they will not tell you straight in front of ur face that they are upset with you.

4.before getting married, make sure u already clearly state to ur wife-to-be that u have a big responsibility on your shoulder. and, make sure ur wife understands that and help you with it.

5.try to have sometime with your mother as sons are their fav children.

6. if you come from a big family and being the eldest means that u have to take care of your other sibs, please do so..and explain it to ur wife..if she really loves you and understands you, she will help out too..

7. if you're looking for a genuine wife, make sure she is not so materialistic up to the extent of signing a contract with you before marriage. its such a ridiculous act..and, u are actually fooled by her.

8. u should be the leader..ask your wife to listen to you, not you listening to her..

9. if u feel like marrying again, please remember the hardship moments between u and ur wife..hope it makes u think twice..

10. love ur wife dearly, but love your mother unconditionally....

p/s: if you marry a person only for their looks, u'll end up frustrated with their behaviour...looks are not everything..from my own observation.. ;-)

~~Eyes are the Windows of your HEART~~

since i was a kid, my interest was more to motivational books and books about life...including the books filled with proverbs and idioms and not to forget the quotes from famous writers..but,due to my memory cells degrading( i guess), up until now, i managed to remember only a few of them..saddens me a lot actually..but, the most fav quote that i think i wouldnt forget in my entire life is this.. 'eyes are the windows of your heart'..
i first read this qoute back in 1996 when i was just 9 years old..i couldnt exactly remember from which book it was, but, i can scarcely remember it's from a beige thin covered book...that book was'nt mine, i think we bought it from the garage sale we always attended in petaling jaya then.so, back to the main subject, when i first caught my eyes to this quote, i certainly agree with it!! my mum always says.."we have to becareful with our eyes..it shows everything..be it hatred,joy,excitement,jealousy,sorrow or misery.."yup..eyes wouldnt lie..it reflects whats inside you that's yearning so hard to be heard..and, i always look at people in their eyes to know, whats bothering them the most esp when they speak and interacting with me. as i knew about this trick, i'm always scared that people will see me straight into my eyes and see the awkwardness and discomfort that i'm having. believe it or not, most of the time i'm conversing actually i'm having a huge feeling of awkwardness in me. only several people made me feel comfortable in speaking and most of them dont..its not their fault actually..its me..i used to have inferiority complex in the past..and i guess, there are still the remainings of it stucked inside the edges of my heart and made me felt a bit less confident to have a normal conversation with my fellow friends..
speaking about eyes, i feel like writing about my dear friend here..her name was R. i've known her for almost 5 years..initially, we were'nt that close eventhough we belong to the same circle of friends and were classmates..maybe because she has this northern dialect which i'm seldom exposed to..so, in short, i dont really understand what she was talking about most of the time..usu, i just politely smile and nodded..days by days, we got closer, and i started to feel comfortable having her around and had some good chats over anything..we entered the same medical school in moscow...and, the real stories started here.. ;-) first year, there's nothing as interesting as the following years..second year came along, i could sense there's some kind of shine in her eyes..her eyes started to glow, and i knew it at once..maybe, the cupid has done his work? hehehe..as usu, during our leisure time, we exchanged stories and catching up the new gossips around the corner..the streotype questions arised to her.." r, macam mane r dengan z"..i asked..the same question..and,all over again..most of the time, she would reply " takda ape2 lah..kami kawan je.." while sheepishly smiling..questioning and answering -it went on quite sometime.as always, denial would be the answer..but, only her eyes really showed her blooming heart..we were happy for her, and keep on teasing her lovey dovey thingy....unfortunately, life was not a bed of roses..there were times when i could see her sorrow thru her eyes..it seemed to me,the more she denied, the more hurtful she was..its all potrayed thru her saddened eyes..the periodic changes in her eyes,glowing to gloomy to joy, persisted for almost 2 years, and eventually came to an end.. it was for good..just occured a month or two ago..cant really remember the exact date..her eyes showed diff changes from usual..its more like a frustrated devastated weeping eyes..i couldnt help but noticing..and, was afraid to ask any further as her body language seemed like saying ' i'm ok..so, u just dont ask me anything'..so, i didnt ask her anything, but i do know there's something wrong..and this is like the final..its the full stop of the denial relationship that she was having with her used to be prince charming..after a couple of days passed by, i confronted her and asked whether is it true its over between them..she was shocked to see me knowing so much without her telling..then i replied, " r, sume nye dari mate..tengok mate pun dah tau.." few drops of tears started to flow down her rosy cheeks..and, she told me about it..at least few details of it..obviously, it was hard for her, but, everything's happen for a reason..personally, i was quite relieved its over between them..because i think she deserves a better person.. a person more or less like her..like my sister said.." kite kn cari orang yang same fikrah, sama pandangan supaye boleh same2 maju untuk ISLAM insyaallah.." so, yup..she should be with someone more mature and understanding..not that i'm saying the mr z wasnt good enuff for her, they were just not meant for each other..things looked fine for her for sometime..but,a wounded heart wasnt meant to be healed in the nick of time right? yesterday, i saw her weeping..i'm sure its about him again..but,as always, she denied eventhough it was obvious her eyes were swollen due to the lacrimation..but, never mind, as long as she cries, it would be better rather than supressing the real feelings inside..luckily, today she seemed fine! :-) i hope she would stay strong and optimistic in the future..i'll try to not ask her any questions as,maybe, asking her again would deteriorate her almost healed wounded heart...r, stay strong dear, and have faith in you..its ok to make mistakes when u can learn from it and not making the same one anymore...and, remember, you are not alone....ur eyes tells everything..so, no need to hide, its the window of your heart..i can lend my shoulders for you to cry on..stay sweet and get married soon!! love ya!! :-)

i'm opening up..

after weeks, i started blogging, eventually, i decided to share my blog officially..feel free to drop by and have some chat with me in the chatter box..initially, i'm too shy to let others read my blog, but when i thought things over, i realised, i want others to really know me..not the superficial side of me..and, share some thoughts with me too..so, WELCOME OFFICIALLY TO MARYAM'S BLOG!! ;-)

its time for me to open up and let the readers enjoy the bits of my life here.. ;D

musuh dalam selimut..so it seems..

this morning, i browsed through paez's blog..i thought, he would add some new entries as he has not updated his blog for few days already..but, i was wrong..it was still the same..then, i couldnt help but noticing..there are something wrong with the chatter box..it seems that paez was too mad to someone..i scrolled down the place..yup! i was right..this whoever fellow was extremely inconsiderate with others' feelings..

4 Dec 07, 15:34
pAEz: so kalo itu pon xleh wat.. wat a LOSER.. no use to listen to u....

4 Dec 07, 15:33
pAEz: btw.. aku nk tahu sape hg.. kalo malu cakap terang2.. ym je aku.. frenster ade emel ade.. kalo laa berani.. kalo betul2 lelaki... yg tibe2 emo ngan aku amende nih.. show urself..

4 Dec 07, 15:31
pAEz: dah name aku nih student... hg ingat aku free sangat ke nk BERJIWA BERSENTIMENTAL tulih2 diari itu ini.. insyaALLAH kalo aku ade mase aku try la tulih sikit2.. xde laa pandai sgt writing blog macam hg

4 Dec 07, 15:29
pAEz: atau hang nak cari pasal ngan aku.. uihhh aku br je wat blog nih seminggu.. hang dah nak comments sini sana.. kalo blog hang bagus sangat.. bg laa link aku pon nak tgk jugak blog yg x copy n paste..

4 Dec 07, 15:28
pAEz: hahaha kalau ye pon xpuas hati ngan aku.. bg laa SALAM dlu dah name masuk tempat orang.. kalo berani sangat nak SOUND.. kenape x bgtau name... at least aku bleh tahu. aku ad wat salah ngan hang ka???

4 Dec 07, 07:22
gemok: btw, u and maryam, it irks me to no end.
4 Dec 07, 07:21
gemok: ugh, whats the point of blogging if all u do is copy n paste stuff.


whoever this GEMOK, i'm sure this person really wasnt ok with us but was too afraid to reveal straight in front of us...but why? if you dont like us, just say it..dont be such a loser kiddoo! i just dont know..by the time goes by, i started to feel that i couldnt trust anyone..they maybe good in front of you, but obviously they couldnt help themself but to b*itch about us at the back..what's the point? are you that perfect? bcoz, with all due respect, i'll tell you.. NO ONES PERFECT..or are you so "concern" about us? ahaa...get a life dear..thanks for ur "concern" anyway..dont need that from a hypocrite like you..because, its obvious you are from here..at least from moscow..maybe, that's the reason you dont want to tell us, because u maybe so near to us and i proudly announce you as MUSUH DALAM SELIMUT!!

oooohhh.. i forgot to add..there's no rules in blogging..its up to the blogger themselves..so, what the heck if they copy paste from somewhere else? do u have a burdening problem on your shoulders with that? they just want to share something they've read before..and you, complaining and whining about us..you should start a diary right now, and let others read what's your intention supposed to be and how u made us felt..and maybe you're happy now bcoz we got the message, but you shouldnt be in cloud nine either because you just made someone pissed off that makes you no better than just a pathetic attention seeker! bcoz, we did pay attention to you..hahhahah!!

p/s: pissing me off, i still can control, but, i wouldnt tolerate with anyone pissing paez off.. becareful of what you say, because, its not smart to intentionally hurting others' feelings..

awesome gala nitee!!!

superb..terrific..worth every rubles of it..it's one of the most memorable night i've ever experienced..i just love every moment of it eventhough the crowd was just half of the restaurant, but, every aspect of it make it all such a fantastic one just inches close to perfect..THANKS A LOT TO THE COMMUNITY MEMBER who has forked out a tremendous effort to make this event a dream come true to us.. ;-)