~~ no turning back..~~

i couldnt help myself but keep on thinking..after spending my 4 years here, i somehow felt like maybe it wasnt the best decision i've ever made in my life. vividly i remembered, i was one day late from accepting the offer to pursue my studies in russia. for 3 nights i prayed istikharah in the hope of making the right decision. my family said that, after performing the istikharah, i should feel it in my heart, and not totally from my dream. actually, that night i dreamt about russia. i'm not sure whether the dream in a way was influenced by what i've read in the news paper or by my mother's opinion, but, in that dream i was all alone in moscow in an abandoned haunted building with the bombings around me. ridiculously, even after this weird dream, i still opted for russia. silly me! i dont know what got to me actually..the fact that i dont have any confidence in me to wait for the spm results or was it because i may graduate the same year as my sister. i wasnt sure back then.. after all, when the spm result was released, my results enabled me to go somewhere else but, i just accepted the offer to russia..so, there's no turning back..i couldnt leave this program because i wasnt sure whether i could secure other places...or not.. again, back to my insecurity issues..to cut it short, i just go for it... and now, it has been 4 years..frankly speaking, i've never felt proud being here..oppss...that shows how ungrateful i am..but, basically, how can i be proud? people have been insulting us from day one, be it the malaysians or the russians...if its in malaysia, the moment they knew we are studying in russia, just in a split of second they would rolled their eyes and asked us about the recognition state..as if, they've never read in the newspaper!! i know, there are some issues over here, but that doenst make us too bad to not to be respected. we came here from the scholarships from the government. so, think it yourself..since forever, i think i've been justifying the fact that its not all too bad here..doctors in malaysia have spoken that we from russia are not as competent as the doctors who graduated from other places...we are lacking of the clinical skills and cant even make the venepuncture..in addition to that, yesterday, i read an aquantaince blog stating how students from russian cant even make a proper diagnosis which is an essential skill for doctors...honestly, i totally disagree of the whole fact except the clinical skills..yup..here, we dont really get the chance to make the accurate and precise clinical examination..maybe, that's only of our university..but, i heard that the students from other universities are doing well..so, that makes a big no-no for the lack of clinical skills right? and..about making the right diagnosis,i'm sorry kid, but you absolutely know nothing about other universities. our university(not promoting, but just to state that there's at least one) and i believe other universities in russia, also they really teach us how to make the diagnosis..step by step..yes..we are spoonfed, but, it makes us know our stuff..and make things right..i'm grateful to be here...so, why am i regretting of my choice?...its not about the studies..or the weather..or the money..its more about myself..my personality..and my life....i'm not the same maryam that my friends back in malaysia know me..i've changed to almost 180 degrees..and, that makes me feel really unhappy about myself..because people see me so superficially and always see me as a good decent girl...if only i could turnover time, i should have be more strong and stick to my principles rather than change myself and go with the flow..i just hate myself for being so weak,so dependent, and so fragile..